The Electric Fence

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The Electric Fence

Post by Doreen on August 28th 2009, 3:08 pm

The electric fence...

We have the standard 6-foot fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8-foot long ground rod, driven 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp 'big wheel' pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way... It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!' I think, as I remember that I just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh, God, please die... pleeeeze die!' But nooooo... it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the GO command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
where the wire had lain while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might first think

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this)

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
avatar
Doreen
Moderator
Moderator


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Doc on August 28th 2009, 7:00 pm

ROFLMAO! That was hilarious!
avatar
Doc
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by shanaya on August 28th 2009, 7:28 pm

lol!
avatar
shanaya
Admin is da shiznit!
Admin is da shiznit!


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Lynn on August 28th 2009, 10:08 pm

cool biggrin

_________________
avatar
Lynn
2 Sassy
2 Sassy


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Doreen on August 30th 2009, 4:26 pm

those electric fences really have a bite to them.
avatar
Doreen
Moderator
Moderator


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Larry on August 30th 2009, 7:10 pm

that brought back some memories for me...

I was doing some pluming about 30 years ago, it had been raining and I had rubber boots on, my brother came by and I was holding a 15/20' piece of copper pipe, he had his elbow hanging out the window as we were talking I took the pipe and laid one end one the electric fence and then touched his elbow with the other end, did this 3/4 times till he figured out what was going on...he chased be down the field, then he got to laughing so the chase was over I was a little scared for awhile though...
avatar
Larry
Moderator
Moderator


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Doc on August 30th 2009, 8:36 pm

You're a mean bastard, Larry! Laughing

I nailed my buddy in the back of the neck with a hot-shot cattle prod one time, while he was watching TV. He bit his glass, and broke it, sliced open his lip and gums, and then fell down the stairs trying to catch me. I can still make him jump, just by sneaking up behind him and going, "BZZZZZ". hysterical
avatar
Doc
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Doreen on September 1st 2009, 5:33 pm

Doc, I hate to say but I think that was a streak of a mean bastard as well.

omg, those cattle prods are worse than an electric fence.
avatar
Doreen
Moderator
Moderator


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Doc on September 2nd 2009, 11:13 am

Doreen wrote:Doc, I hate to say but I think that was a streak of a mean bastard as well.

omg, those cattle prods are worse than an electric fence.

Sounds like the voice of experience, Doreen. Laughing

He had it coming! He should have KNOWN better than to turn his back, with me, and a hot-shot in the house! Twisted Evil
avatar
Doc
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious
Rude, Crude and Obnoxious


Back to top Go down

Re: The Electric Fence

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum